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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23030977">only to find i've come alive</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hermitcraft</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gaslighting, Gen, Manipulation, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trauma, vent fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:21:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,750</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23030977</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>sometimes you just need someone to hold you and tell you it will be okay.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Wels &amp; Xisuma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>109</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anonymous</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>context: this chapter takes place during the s6 civil war.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This was so, so, so <em>stupid</em>.</p><p>Wels barely made into the storage room in the back of the base before collapsing on to the wall, clutching at his arms and sobbing. <em>God,</em> this was so dumb. Why the hell was he so affected by this? Why was he so afraid?</p><p>Shaking, Wels backed into a corner and curled in on himself, sobs wracking his body. It wasn’t that bad, what was wrong with him, <em>why was he reacting like this?</em></p><p>It was a stupid little fight. Xisuma didn’t know the effect that phrase had on him, he didn’t mean it like <em>they</em> had. But the moment the words “you’re just making excuses” came out of his mouth, it had felt like the world had come crashing in on him.</p><p>Everything had gotten out of focus, like Wels’ soul had been flung out of his body and he was watching himself interact on autopilot. He could feel the words coming out, apologizing and promising to be better, but he couldn’t hear anything. It felt like he was drowning.</p><p>He didn’t really remember how he got back here. He must have finished the conversation and excused himself somehow to leave, but the memories were blurry. All he remember was the fear. He was scared out of his mind, so utterly <em>terrified</em> that rationality was completely thrown to the wind. He wanted it to stop. Completely.</p><p>His thoughts were everywhere and out of control. He reached up and tangled his fingers in his hair, tugging, as if the pain would snap him out of it. His breaths came in quick gasps, tears clouding his vision and making it slide in and out of focus. He pulled harder, crying out at the pain, but not relenting. He wanted to stop feeling, stop crying like an <em>idiot</em>.</p><p>He heard footsteps and pushed further into the corner, shuddering and taking sharp breaths in between sobs. The footsteps quickened as they got closer, then stopped next to him. Wels’ eyes flashed up to look at the person right as they spoke, “Wels? You alright?”</p><p><em>Xisuma</em>. Wels’ thoughts flickered back to what he’d told him just a minute ago and Wels flinched, trying to move further away from him. Xisuma cringed and took a step back, a pained expression on his face. Wels breathed harder, his hands coming out of his hair only to furiously wipe the tears out of his eyes.</p><p>Wels spoke quickly with shuddering breaths, “I- I’m sorry- I- I promise I c-can be better, I- ah, I p-promise, please, I- I won’t d-do it again I s-swear please d-don’t hurt me I- I’m sorry I’m <em>sorry</em>-” His words cut off with a gasp for air as he dug his nails into his wrists, trying to hold his tears back.</p><p>Xisuma took another step back, his eyes wide with shock and concern. He had to have said something that made this happen. He’d caused his teammate to have a panic attack, and he needed to help him. He was hurting himself.</p><p>“I’m not going to hurt you,” Wels stared at Xisuma, his eyes dilated, as he slowly crouched in front of him, “You’re safe, nothing is going to happen to you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”</p><p>“B-but you- you said t-that I-” Wels gasped as Xisuma reached over and gently pulled his hands away from his wrists, preventing him from scratching them any further. “I was wrong to get angry. You didn’t deserve that, you’re doing your best. This isn’t even a serious war.”</p><p>Wels relaxed his arms and Xisuma’s grip on them loosened. He slowly wrapped his arms around Xisuma, gripping the back of his shirt and burying his head in his shoulder. Xisuma returned the hug as Wels shook, rubbing his back to try and help him calm.</p><p>Wels pulled away from him, taking a few deep breaths. His hand dropped down to grip Xisuma’s, who squeezed his hand gently. “X?” Wels’ voice was barely audible.</p><p>“Yeah?” Xisuma said softly.</p><p>“I-I’m really trying. I’m not m-making excuses, I-I promise.” He whispered, and Xisuma’s heart broke. He’d said that, hadn’t he. He knew Wels was trying his best and he’d still said that. How insensitive could he <em>get?</em></p><p>“I know. I trust that you’re doing as much as you can. Any reasons you have for not doing something aren’t my business. It’s alright.” Wels breathed in, then out, and smiled slightly at Xisuma. “Thank you.”</p><p>“Of course. You’re my friend, Wels. I care about you, and I won’t accuse you of anything like that again.”</p><p>Wels drew Xisuma into a hug again, holding on for as long as he needed to. They had time. It’d be okay.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Wels…?”</p>
<p>
  <em>“Hey! Hey, Wels!” A brown-haired girl said cheerfully as she bounced up and down next to him, smiling widely, “Pay attention to me!”</em>
</p>
<p>“Dude, you alright?”</p>
<p>
  <em>“Promise you won’t leave me?” She gave him puppy-dog eyes, leaning against his chest. “I love you so, so much, y'know! You wouldn’t wanna break my heart, now, wouldja?”</em>
</p>
<p>“Wels? What’s going on? Why aren’t you responding?”</p>
<p>
  <em>“You don’t spend as much time with me anymore… what’s up with that?” She asked with faux curiosity, an edge to her tone. “Are you getting tired of me? You’re so silly! I’m all you got, y'know!”</em>
</p>
<p>“Yeah, something’s up with him. He’s not answering me at all. There’s mobs in here, it’s not safe.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“I never did anything wrong! We were just messing around… a playful punch to the shoulder is nothing!” The girl cried. “I’ve done nothing but love you with my whole heart, and this is how you treat me?”</em>
</p>
<p>“I think he’s having a flashback. Try not to startle him, Ren. I’ve helped him with this before.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“You don’t have any other options, Wels. There isn’t anywhere to go. I’m the only one who could ever love you like this.” She spoke deliberately, the sweet smile on her face a jarring contrast to her words. “I’m the only one who will ever love you.”</em>
</p>
<p>“I’ll… get out of your way, then. Please tell me if you need anything, I’m worried.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“You owe me. Can’t you do something nice for me for once?” She moved her hand further up his thigh, ignoring his flinch. “I do so much for you. You can at least do this.”</em>
</p>
<p>“Don’t be. He’ll be okay.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“I need you, I- I-” She wiped tears from her eyes. “I can’t live without you! I won’t live without you!” He backed away as she stepped closer to him. He stuttered out, “N-no, p-please don’t! I’ll stay, I-I promise!”</em>
</p>
<p>Wels curled up tighter, pushing his head forward into his knees as he cried. Xisuma knelt down next to him, concerned.</p>
<p>
  <em>“I’m doing this because I love you. All of this is because I love you.” She cooed, cupping his face in her hands. “I know you better than anyone else. This is true love. We belong together. You can’t leave me.”</em>
</p>
<p>“Wels, can you hear me? You need to breathe.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“See? It’s so much easier if you just relax and let me do what I need to!” She cocked her head to the side as she sat on top of his legs. “Just like that, Wels. You should be like this all the time!”</em>
</p>
<p>Wels choked out another sob, going to scratch at his arms. Xisuma pulled his hands away gently and with practiced ease.</p>
<p>
  <em>“I’ll do it. I’ll kill myself.” She sneered as he slid down the wall, tears streaming down his face. He could feel bruises where she’d slammed him against it. “Absolutely pathetic. Why would anyone ever care about you? I’m practically a saint for loving someone like you in the first place!”</em>
</p>
<p>“Wels, please. You need to breathe. Can you copy me?”</p>
<p>
  <em>He gripped the bottle tightly in his hand, twisting the cap off with the other. The pills rattled as he shook slightly. She’d never let him leave. This was the only way out. He just wanted it to stop. The pills were dry and hard to swallow.</em>
</p>
<p>Wels struggled to focus his gaze, managing to look at Xisuma, who smiled slightly and squeezed his hands. “Follow my breathing. It’s alright.”</p>
<p>
  <em>He never saw her again. He never heard her voice again. But he thought about her, oh-so-often. It never stopped hurting.</em>
</p>
<p>“There you are. Keep going. It’s okay.” Slowly but steadily, the world came back into focus. Wels collapsed against X, exhausted from all his crying. X pulled him up, letting himself be leaned on. “C'mon. Let’s get you somewhere safer.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i added more tags so if u were okay to read this before i might check again just in case<br/>also in this part wels + xisumas relationship is a bit less platonic n a lot more queerplatonic. idk it just happened</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Wels woke up, he didn't know where he was.</p>
<p>Instinctively, he quieted his breathing, panicking internally as he held deathly still except for his eyes, which darted around, trying to make sense of the situation. He was in a forest. He didn't recognize anything manmade, so it could be anywhere. The sky was darkening - it wasn't quite night yet, but it would be very soon.</p>
<p>He was on the ground, missing his gear, and very vulnerable to the mobs who would be coming for him shortly. He tried to get up, but his limbs wouldn't respond when he tried to move them. Okay. This was okay. (It was not okay.)</p>
<p>He tried to remember how he got here. He remembered this morning, waking up and starting to get prepared for working on a project, but his memories from there just seemed to jump to waking up in this forest. So he was missing most of his day. That was worrying.</p>
<p>As long as he could get out of here soon, it'd be fine. Away from the creaks in the dimming light, the groans of mobs not far away, <em>the lock clicking open, the heavy footsteps down the hall, the yelling from the other room as he covered his ears and curled up on himself-</em></p>
<p>No, no, he wasn't there anymore, he was in Hermitcraft with his friends, the noise he could hear was minecarts running through long-abandoned passages, water running through distant rivers, leaves rustling above him, <em>doors slamming, angry expressions, screaming and crying and exhaustion and pain-</em></p>
<p>Wels wretched himself up off the ground, head spinning from the sudden movement and lack of air but that didn't matter, he needed out of here now now <em>now</em>. He ran, vision blurring from tears, stumbling and hurting himself but refusing to stop, branches scratching at his skin, <em>bruises everywhere they touched him, crying out for help without a response, saying it was his fault, his fault, his fault-</em></p>
<p>
  <em>He didn't even care anymore, maybe if he was a good child this wouldn't be happening, but he wasn't, he was weak and dumb and bad, he tried so hard but it wasn't enough and he wasn't enough and he was tired, so tired, but he was just making excuses now, they did so much for him and this is what he gave them back, he was just making things up they'd never hurt him he didn't know what was happening he never knew anything he was so stupid-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Nothing he did ever mattered and he should just do everyone a favor and die, they'd all be better off, he was such a useless child and not worth the effort, they were right to not care and not pay attention and let him get hurt, it was his fault that she hurt him because he wasn't smart enough to see it, they supported who he was so how dare he dislike them, didn't he know it could be so much worse, they could take it away at any time, he was so scared all the time he was so sick of being scared he just wanted it all to stop-</em>
</p>
<p>He could hear something but it was all so muffled, <em>if only he payed better attention, if only he wasn't so stupid, pushing himself hurt so bad but at least they didn't hit him, yelling again, his sobs drowned out by all the noise, heavy footsteps, doors slamming, he couldn't breathe, sudden quiet-</em> it wasn't quiet, he could hear someone talking gently, he couldn't move, his chest hurt so he took a deep breath and the haze over his consciousness began to clear.</p>
<p>"That's it. Can you do that again, Wels?" He focused on the person, trying to ground himself as he listened, breathing in again, following their rhythm, mind clearing a bit more every time. He wasn't home. He was in Hermitcraft. This was his home now. He didn't have to go back there, nobody was going to make him. His friends would defend him if they had to. He was safe.</p>
<p>"There you go." Xisuma pulled Wels into a hug, the knight immediately wrapping his arms around him and pushing his face into his shoulder. Xisuma rubbed his back comfortingly, and Wels relaxed a bit more. "Do you want to talk about it, or do you just want to sleep? We're near my base, you can stay over."</p>
<p>"I..." Wels pulled away from the hug, taking Xisuma's hands and holding them to keep himself grounded. "If you don't mind me talking..."</p>
<p>"Of course I don't mind. I care about you, Wels." X squeezed his hands. "It can help to get it out sometimes."</p>
<p>Wels took a deep breath, then exhaled. "Back in my home world, before I became a knight, I lived with my parents." Wels looked down, not particularly wanting to watch Xisuma's reactions right now. "My father worked for the local government, pretty high up, and my mother ran a charity organization. Everyone knew them, and everyone liked them."</p>
<p>Wels tightened his grip on Xisuma's hands. "I tried so hard to be what they wanted me to be. I could never quite do it." His voice dropped in volume. "But my effort didn't matter. Every time I failed or said the wrong thing or if they were angry at something else I'd get hurt."</p>
<p>"I-I was so scared all the time. I had to be on alert constantly and I had to hide my problems and I had to pretend." Wels breathed deeply and tried not to cry. "They never paid much attention to me when I wasn't making a mistake so they never even noticed when she found me."</p>
<p>Xisuma moved to let Wels lean on him before he continued, "I didn't know how to say no when she asked me to date her. I didn't know what to do when she hurt me too, like they did." His voice shook and dropped to a whisper. "I didn't know how to say no when she held me down and touched me and I didn't want to. I didn't know how to get out. I just wanted it all to stop."</p>
<p>Wels rocked back and forth slightly, breathing starting to become a bit erratic. "I took a bunch of pills and woke up in a hospital and the doctors were worried. They wanted me to stay but my mother wanted me home." Xisuma gently pulled Wels' hands away from each other, preventing him from scratching at his wrists. "They were so angry and I was terrified. They stepped towards me and I ran, and they followed and I kept running, I-ah, I-I had to."</p>
<p>Wels was becoming frantic, his words stringing together as he tried to keep talking. "I- sometimes I wake up somewhere a-and I think I'm home and I gotta run because they're gonna f-find me, and I get so scared a-and it's so stupid-" Xisuma wrapped his arms around Wels, gently cutting him off. "Shh. Wels, I know. It's not your fault. You're safe here, I'm not going to let anything happen to you." Wels just laid his head on Xisuma's shoulder and <em>cried</em>.</p>
<p>Wels didn't know how much time had passed, just that his tears were finally stopping and X was still holding him, running his fingers through his hair. Wels sniffled and pulled his head back. He was so tired, he realized, probably from the running and crying. X smiled at him before picking him up, Wels wrapping his arms around his shoulders and laying his head down.</p>
<p>By the time they reached Xisuma's base, Wels was barely conscious. X set him in his bed, careful not to disturb him. He removed his armor and slid under the covers next to Wels, who made a content noise and cuddled closer to him. X barely even heard Wels whisper, almost imperceptibly, a quiet <em>"thank you."</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>yes the title is from a marina and the diamonds song im basic<br/>may be updated in the future bc im just dumping all these things here<br/>im <a href="https://welsknife.tumblr.com">welsknife</a> on tumblr n stuff</p></blockquote></div></div>
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